


Confessions

by Senor_Sparklefingers, steelneena



Series: CR1 Oneshots and Short Series [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Discussions of Feelings, Gen, Unrequited Crush, cr1 spoilers, spoilers for cr1: ep 58
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 05:59:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18750436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Senor_Sparklefingers/pseuds/Senor_Sparklefingers, https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelneena/pseuds/steelneena
Summary: After the rakshasha attacked Whitestone, after they'd all fought and drank and celebrated, Pike and Percy had a chat.(minor canon divergence, spoilers for cr1:ep.57 and 58)





	Confessions

Percy felt almost...hazy. Yes, that was the word for it. Hazy but lazily happy. It had been...a night. Quite a night to follow quite the day and night prior and...well, if he was being honest, the last several weeks had been nothing but one terrible thing after another terrible thing without much respite at all. But he’d finished making the seat for Vex’s broom, and Vax was alive, and, even though Pike was staying behind, the very next day, he'd be in for the experience he'd wanted most all his life - a trip to the Feywild. One evening's casual desecration of a four hundred year old pub wasn't the end of the world, and there, in the deep night, and the softly fading murmur of drunken townsfolk and his own party, swaying together as they walked several paces ahead, arms slung about one another's shoulders, the occasional laugh cracking the stillness of night, Percy felt himself genuinely relax. The world was going to hell, and he assuredly with it, but at least there was still room for a little happiness. 

At least they still had that.

Not far behind him, walked Pike.

She had been thinking, too. Now, that wasn't really that unusual, as she spent a lot of time thinking. Meditative thought was just one of the things that came with being a cleric. But everything that had been happening lately, especially over the last 24 hours, had led her thoughts back to her heart. To her little crush.

To Percy.

She hadn't told him, and there was a not insignificant part of her that  _ never  _ wanted to tell him how she felt. Pike was fairly logical, she liked to think, and she knew that this... _ them _ ....it wasn't likely to work.

But Percy,  _ all of them _ , were leaving again. Off to the Feywild to seek aid, while she stayed here and held down the fort. It felt as if she was on the edge of a precipice, all things pointing her in one direction. The rakshasha, Scanlan's rescinded proposal, her talk with Percy at the bar....it all seemed that there really was only one option.

She was going to tell him. Tonight. 

"Percy!" She called out, jogging a little bit to catch up with him as their ragtag group of friends all made their way back to the castle.

"Hmm?" Percy jolted from his thoughts abruptly. "What? Ah, Pike, goodness, did we nearly leave you behind?"

She laughed, shooting him a smile. "Tiny legs, easy to get lost, you know how it is."

No, this was the time. If she didn't tell him now, she never would, and regardless of how things went, she wanted him to know. 

Her smile softened a little around the edges. "I was wondering. Do you have a minute to talk, privately? I know we were doing that at the bar but that's not exactly private..."

"Ah, well." Percy blinked, removing his glasses to rub at tired, strained, overworked eyes. "Of course. And shame upon us, letting you fall behind at all. I shall escort you back to the castle as you please, and of course we can talk!  We'll be leaving you in the morning, and all of this time is precious. Especially now. I...I do thank you, for what you're doing. For staying. For helping to protect my...my home." He shook his head a little, trying to clear his thoughts. 

She patted him on the leg as she listened to his tired chatter, affection blooming in her chest.  "Of course, Percy. This is your home, we'd all do whatever we had to to keep it safe."

They went through a lot of trouble to get it back, it was their current base of operations against the Conclave...and most importantly, it mattered to Percy. The least they could all do while he hosted them at his home was ensure he had a home to come back to. 

Tiredly, Percy smiled. "But you said you wished to talk. Whatever is on your mind?"

"Ah. Well...I suppose I should start with a question. Have you ever had to tell anyone something important, something personal? But you're not quite sure how?" She'd been on the receiving end of so many declarations of affection....but they'd all been from Scanlan; they probably weren't the best example to go with.

"Oh. Well. yes, I suppose.” Percy rubbed at his chin. “When...when I had to explain. About my home. About Orthax and the Briarwoods. I..." he looked at his boots, scuffing along the dusty roadway. "I kept it all away for so long, when it finally came time...well. I knew I had to. I didn't  _ not _ want to, but at the same time, it was...mine? Private, in a way. So, yes." He shot a quick glance at her, and saw that she was glowing a little, that, even in the darkness, the divine light of Sarenrae was upon her and within her. Even so, he couldn't read her face, nor guess, despite the suddenly nervous palpitations of his heart, brought on for what reason he could not ascertain.  

"I guess, yes." He paused, considering how to best speak delicately, despite his subtle confusion. "Is this...about Scanlan? I know, what with the way things have been-"

"It's not about Scanlan,” she replied, firm. “He rescinded the proposal, you know? Today. We talked, and...it was good, you know? Good to talk as just friends without any....anything there."

There was a very,  _ very _ small part of her that was disappointed in a way. All the flattery and wooing...for the most part it had been overwhelming, but it was oddly flattering, in a way. But the person he was becoming now, her friend, she wouldn't trade that for anything. 

"Well. One of the things he and I discussed was relationships, and he gave me some advice about....about how, if I care about somebody,  _ really _ care...I should tell them." She was staring straight at him, their eyes meeting, willing him to understand what she was trying to say.

It only took half a second for the implication to click in his constantly whirring brain. It was evident that Pike saw it the moment it did.

For as deep as the darkness was, he could see her wide, shining, eyes, terrified and hopeful as she stared him down. He'd not lied earlier. She was intimidating, in a way, and he felt it then and there more than he ever had before. Percy sucked in a halting breath, and his tongue darted out to wet his lips, mouth suddenly dry. He was...shocked? Flattered? Surprised? Some combination of all three it seemed, and his alcohol saturated stomach did a single, butterfly-nervous flip. Tentatively, Percy raised his hand to the necklace she'd gifted him, wrapping his fingers around it tightly. 

"I...I-I..." he stammered. "I..don't know what to say. Pike..." 

She was good and golden, a halo of light in every darkness. And he...he was the darkness. A little less than before, but the heart of the problem remained. For her to even think...to even consider, much less speak to him regarding such a... 

He allowed the thought to be swallowed by the blackness that still dwelt within him.  

"I don't know what to say.”

"You don't have to say anything," Pike replied, voice just above a whisper, her heart racing in her chest. "I just...wanted you to know, before you all leave tomorrow."

She hadn't said the words yet, though. She hadn't actually confessed  _ anything _ yet. So, with a deep breath and a sigh, she continued.

"I care about you, Percy. A great deal. And I just wanted to tell you, that's all."

Heavily, he swallowed and knelt down beside her. "What does this necklace do?" he asked, voice shaking, as he pulled it from around his neck.

She was quiet for a moment. "It's a shield. It's meant to keep you safe, in case anything happens while we're separated."

The idea that something could happen, that Percy, or any of her friends really, could go down and she wouldn't be there to stop it...that terrified her.

His breathing increased too rapidly for his own comfort, and he could tell that she'd noticed. Logically, he knew that if he just focused he could control himself better, but logic was out the window. Pike, of all people...he couldn't wrap his head around it, how he had ever come to earn her regard. He'd been so ashamed at his relief, when she came to their aide in Whitestone, when it wasn't deserved, yet all the more grateful that she'd not arrived earlier to see him at his lowest, at his darkest. That he wouldn't have to endure the aching care her expression would surely have contained, even then. Thinking on it with such a world tilting, new context...  

"I don't deserve this, any of it. Y-" He cut himself off and bit his lip. "But I am grateful for it. " He paused, looking anywhere but at her. "You-" he tried again but stopped, shaking his head.  "Pike, I can't... even begin to...understand. You're... and I'm..."

Pike shook her head and chuckled softly, already guarding her heart for the inevitable rejection. She always knew it would come, that he wouldn't care about her the way she cared about him. Pike was no fool. She saw the way Percy tinkered and made new arrows. How he'd spent the last several hours before joining them for drinks working on a seat for a broom. She could see how the wind was blowing, and it wasn't in her favor. 

But she'd still had hope. There had always still been a chance, before...maybe that was why she'd never told him until now. She didn't want to lose that possibility. 

But Scanlan--of all people-- had been right. If you love somebody, you should tell them. If not for them, then for yourself. 

"Human. And I'm a gnome, and I have my duties to Sarenrae, and you have Whitestone...and...yeah. I know."

"Gods no, that's not what I was going to say at all!" Percy rushed out, pushing his hand back through his hair as he tried in vain to breathe. 

"You're so good, Pike. And so...You're  _ so  _ good, and full of light...and I am not. I am..." Percy shuddered, feeling the hot onset of tears brimming at his eyes. He squeezed them shut, willing them gone. "I am a  _ blight  _ on the best of days. I am wrathful, and self important, and full of darkness. I'm everything that you're not." Chuckling a little bitterly, he squeezed his hand harder around the necklace to ground him. "A god herself told me that I am..."  _ Broken _ . He could still hear her, sap-slow condemnation, hollow and ringing as he raged against her for everything he'd deemed wrong with the world.  _ Raven bitch. _ Percy dropped the necklace, running his hands over his face before daring to meet Pike's all too insightful gaze. "How can you even begin to think me worthy of your - of you?"

"Oh, Percy..." Pike shook her head, picking up the necklace softly. "When I look at you, I don't see a blight, or a monster, or darkness. I see a man. A man who has had to survive terrible things, who's made some questionable choices to do so, but who, at the end of the day, can be counted on to do what's right and what's necessary."

She fiddled with the necklace for a moment before holding it back up for him.

"Do you remember in the underdark, when I killed that duergar, and my holy symbol cracked? I did something there that was terrible....and yet it's something I still can't fully regret. Sometimes… sometimes good people do bad things. Or they do the wrong things for the right reasons." Her gaze was sympathetic, understanding, free of judgement. "I think you've had to do a lot of that, and the fact that you're still here, still standing and trying to do good in the world...that says more than whatever dark thoughts you have about yourself do."

Wrapping his hand around her small one as she held the pendant, Percy sighed heavily. Though his stomach was still unsettled, his heart felt full to bursting. "Listen to you," he said, managing to smile weakly. "An endless well of hope and goodness.  Yes. I do remember that day. How scared you were. How upset. There are also things that I do not regret that were dark, sinister, even horrific. But I don't have the hope you do. Perhaps I never will. But, I will remember what you've told me. And when I feel at my darkest, I will carry your light in my heart." He bit his lip, looking up from their hands. "But I..." 

The truth was, he could feel the edges of the map burning away, the walls closing in. There was a price to pay for his sort of darkness. It was coming. Maybe far in the future, maybe nearer, but Percy didn't have it in him to confess that particular truth to Pike when she was looking at him with a very different sort of love lighting her beautiful blue eyes.

She shook her head and smiled a little, chest aching. This wasn't exactly how she'd expected the conversation to go. In her head, it had all been very straightforward: either he returned her feelings or he didn't. 

Life wasn't that simple, and she was a fool for forgetting that, even for a moment.

"I don't always have the hope," she admitted. "In the underdark, I was frustrated and angry...and this whole situation with the dragons...it's a lot. It's hard to always see the light at the end. But it's still there, even when you don't see it. Even when you think it's gone."

She squeezed his hand gently. "If you don't feel the same way I do, I understand."  Pike smiled, even as she knew her heart was breaking, just a little bit.

A shiver of breath left his lips. "You're too good to me."  _ You're too good for me. _ Percy closed his eyes, the whip of a dark braid crossing his vision, bright blue feathers, a sharp, cutting grin, the sound of her feckless laugh. 

_ Vex'ahlia... _

"I'm fool, Pike. I hope you know that," he began. "I confess, I do not feel the same way you do. I never even imagined that you  _ could _ feel in such a way towards me to begin with. I suppose that's rather evident now." He did not let go her hand. "I am deeply honoured by your regard and I...cannot say I shall ever...uh...but...I am  _ deeply  _ moved by you. Always." Tired of keeping them back, Percy let a few silent tears fall.

A hand came up to Percy's cheek, gently stroking away one of the tears it found there. Pike had honestly expected the rejection to hurt more than it did. There was a dull ache in her chest, and she felt sad, but also, in a strange way, she felt relief. Percy knew now, she'd said it, there was nothing between them now. No secrets. That....that felt good.

And she hasn't lost him as a friend, which had been another thing she'd feared if she came out and told him of her little crush. 

"We're all fools, I think. Just in different ways. And...and I think that as long as we stay friends, we can be a little less foolish together." Pike blinked a few times, surprised to find her own eyes wet. "You will  always have my friendship and my regard, Percy. That's not going to change because of this. I'm just glad you know now."

Mostly by instinct, Percy leaned into her touch. As always, it felt like a balm on the soul, even in the midst of their heavy discussion. "Thank you. For telling me. For understanding. I'll always be your friend. Nothing could ever take that from us. That I swear." Seeing her sniff, watching a slow fat tear roll down her cheek, Percy reached out his free hand, mirroring her by wiping it away. "I'm...I am sorry...Pike..."

"I thought it would hurt more," Pike admitted. "The rejection. But...it doesn't. Maybe because I still have your friendship. That means more to me, I think, than anything."

Their hands were still joined, the locket still gripped between them. 

"Put that back on. I want you safe while you're in the Feywild...somebody has to watch ‘the kids’, after all," she said with a wet laugh, parroting his own words back to him.

Nodding, Percy finally released her hand, allowing her to drop the pendant into his open palm. "I will wear it. It is an incredible gift. One of several I have received from you tonight, not the least of which is your continued friendship. Thank you." He looped the cord over his head. "I will know, wherever I am, that you are keeping me safe.  And thereby," he waved a hand, perhaps a little more deliberately than he meant too, keyed up with emotion as he was. "You can rest assured that I will do my utmost to protect our family in your absence."

"I know you will." Pike couldn't help but grin in relief as he took the necklace back. He'd stay safe, he'd keep them all safe...she trusted him. 

He was one of her dearest friends, after all. And that wouldn't ever change. The rejection still stung, but she hadn't lost him, not completely.

Feeling the pendant hit his chest felt like the punctuation on their conversation. Percy knew what else he wanted to say. What else he  _ shouldn't _ say. Couldn't, to spare her. All the same, he had to bite his tongue to keep it back, and managed a grim smile to match her own, finally standing, as they began to walk again. 

For a while, there was silence. 

The rest of the group much too far ahead to hear or see, having forgotten the two of them in their drunken state. While it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, there was still that thing he daren't say, settled between them. 

Eventually, Percy cleared his throat awkwardly, speaking the first words that came to mind to keep himself from speaking words he'd regret, that would hurt Pike without there being any intention to.

"While we're away, I will think about everything you have said....regarding darkness and light that is. I've not been... I  _ will _ listen to you, and I will consider it. I'm not sure how long I'd last with my current mindset, were it not for you and the others. And I shall look after Vax'ildan especially. I'm not sure exactly if he's in the same place, but I think he has been recently. Don't know if he's still there, but perhaps I can pass on some of your wisdom, should it be required. Would you be amenable to that?"

Pike hummed in thought before nodding. "I would be, yes. He's been adjusting to things fairly well....at least, I think he has. But a night like last night could easily undo some of that." She took his hand and smiled a little. "I'm glad you're at least willing to listen. We're all here for you, you know. You've got friends everywhere."

Her mind drifted a little, remembering how Percy had been near the end of things with the Briarwoods. He'd come so far from then. They all had, but Percy had rid himself of one of his literal demons. The metaphorical ones were a bit tricker to throw off.

"Yes,” he chuckled, his laugh a soft puff of air in the chill night. “Miraculously." 

They walked in silence a little while longer, until Percy could see the silhouettes of their friends against the light of the torches born by the castle guard. He stopped then, just briefly. "You know I'm here for you, too, right Pike?"

Pike nodded, squeezing Percy's hand. She felt...she felt good. Better for having told him, better for this talk. Better, knowing he'd have additional protection.

"I do. You're a good friend, Percy. I have your back, you have mine."

"Always." They weren't the words he'd wanted to say, but they were sufficient. He even felt a smile creep across his feature. "I won't say anything about this to anyone...I hope you know that."

"Thank, Percy. I appreciate that."

"Shall I walk you to your room?"

Pike held out her arm with a smile. "Lead the way, Lord de Rolo."

"After you." But he took took her hand anyways and they stepped forwards together through the archway of the castle.


End file.
